I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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