I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
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He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
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it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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