Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
