I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
