The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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