after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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