Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
