No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
