If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
