I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
