I wish I could teleport
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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