Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
