Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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