oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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