Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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