Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
