He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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