grandma shit on top of the toilet
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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