Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
