atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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