She is in my trunk
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
we're so committed to being not committed
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
