I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
