You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
