okay pat passed out under dana's car
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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