Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
