I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
