if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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