U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
