dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
