'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
