It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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