so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
