I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
