Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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