Swine flu. Run for my life!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
