My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize