When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
