I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
