No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
