I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
