We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
