im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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