I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
