I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
