my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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