the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
