She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
