i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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