His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
