someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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