My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
