I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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