A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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