and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
