Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You're a waste of cheezeits
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
